Usually I write about work, creating, business stuff. But my business is so intertwined with my personal life that somedays, like today, it just feels like I should write about what I'm feeling instead of what I'm doing.
Yesterday my daughter who just recently turned 14 had her first "sort-of date" The day before her birthday, a boy that she has been best friends with all year asked her to be his girlfriend. They have been burning up the text messaging and phone lines for two weeks now. Today she went to church with him and had lunch with his family, then his dad, who is the pastor of the church they went to, brought them over here so they could watch Camp Rock together. Her boyfriend is very nice and I enjoyed talking to him and his father. The kids, ah, they were just too cute together, holding hands and while I'm not really ready for all this, and my heart aches that she is growing up, I was at the same time remembering how it felt to be so young and to have such new experiences. I wanted to take a picture of them together, but I didn't want to be "that mom". I'm sure there'll be other days to take pictures of them. Maybe I was a bit more accepting of this right of passage because, especially yesterday and today, I remembered all too much the deep sadness I endured as a 14 year old and I just want my daughter to have as many happy memories of this time in her life as possible. I will hover, and keep check on her, but I will also let her live and learn and have the fun that 14 should be.
Today is a different kind of milestone for me. 37 years ago today I lost my sweet Mama. She was only 37 years old. I was 14, same as my sweet daughter is now. There's something mystical in those numerical matches.
Nothing ever prepares me for this day, nothing ever makes it easier to face it. Nothing ever takes the pain away. But along with the pain, I do have a comfort that I did not have for most of the past 37 years. Because now, I have my Mama with me everyday. I see her face each morning when I open my website, and here on my blog and in pictures here in my studio and in my home. I honor her everyday with my work. I love that God guided me to build my business around the memory of her and the inspiration she has always been to me. Whatever path Mama's Pocketbook takes, whether it stays small or explodes into the stratosphere, or just makes some steady growth ... as long as I keep my love for my mother and for the artistry. creativity and beauty she taught me to embrace. at the center of what I do and who I am, I will be grateful and fulfilled. It's a miraculous blessing to find that a broken heart can still be a fulfilled one.
In memory. I miss you Mama, but I'm glad you are alive in my spirit and soul, and in my children too.